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Dangit - it's raining again. I wanted to take one of the horses out for a ride today - even though it's 98 degrees in the shade today. I bought Jesse a 'buddy saddle' to go behind my saddle or my husband's. We've only used it once, since it's been so hot and it makes me lazy about riding. My Quarter Horse - Chatugue is getting really fat though - and he's starting to think that he shouldn't have to be ridden - so he definitely needs to get out more! Summer time - even though it's probably my favorite time of the year - gets so freakin hot in Florida. You almost can't do anything.



See how bored I am? I'm actually writing about the weather! THAT'S IT! I'm going up to the barn and Jess and I can at least play in the mud...sheesh...

I've done a really dumb thing. I have this wonderful sweet adorable two and a half year old son - his name is Jesse. I've introduced him on my profile - he's king of the world - remember?



Anyway I went to Toys R Us a few weeks ago - browsing hehe...cause I love toys and so does Jess - DUH. So we find this 'ant farm' and OMG does it look cool! It's all plastic and BIG and has this jelly stuff in it that the ants dig in and eat and all...so I'm thinking to myself - AN ANT FARM!! How cool is that???? My mom would NEVER have let me have an ant farm!!! NEVER!! So guess what I did???



I bought it.



Dumb - dumb dumb dumb dumb. What was I thinking? Ants are not cool, they bite. They aren't happy being in a 'farm' they don't drive tractors and wear little straw cowboy hats. They just dig and bite.



And my son LOVES them - he loves them so much that he carries the farm around the house. In his little hands- with his little face pressed against the glass.... wanna see something that makes a mother cringe????? Walk around with an ant farm in your hands - walk around the tile floors and the stairs and the pool - not really looking where you're going looking THROUGH the ants to the other side. Ick, I really hate ant farms - but I can't get rid of the ant farm because Jess LOVES them...he shows them to me daily - he watches them like they're some kind of fascinating creature that's gonna do tricks any minute...ack I hate ant farms.....

So the surgery went pretty well - the surgeon was a woman - which is pretty rare in this field - but anyway they removed five an a half liters of this tumor - which is huge and scary. The cancer had actually compressed itself so much that it was hard as a rock - and couldn't be taken away from the liver or stomach or spleen. So hopefully the chemo does it's work. It's supposed to be active for almost two weeks following that type of surgery - but the surgeon did say that Scott will have to have more surgeries - almost definitely. Scary stuff - but cancer never really goes away for anyone.



So he's being released today - four days ahead of best case scenario - and I'm really really happy for his family and for mine. We've been worried and stressed for so long - I almost don't know how to NOT be worried LOL. I talked to Maria yesterday - sheesh she looks much better - but she's a little freaked about leaving so much of the cancer in. What else can they do? She's been researching holistic treatments - hopefully she'll come across something beneficial - although I don't really believe in many of them. But they do give hope.



Anyway I know this is boring stuff - but it feels much better to get it written and OUT! I finally understand the joy of a journal - it's like emptying your head - it's nice...

Ok so Scott goes for his surgery tomorrow. Today was so tiring. You wouldn't believe how desperate for life that being this close to death makes you. It's like working in the morgue, believe me - I know because I have LOL. Ack I'm not really laughing, it's just that there's been so much crying. Everyone I know who prays has been praying, everythink I can think of to say - I have said. And then, you get to the point where you can't think of anything to say. I mean - do you say - "good luck????" that just seems totally callous and crazy. Good luck, sheesh. I just keep saying 'everything is going to be alright - and it will all be alright." Worse than this even is that Maria, his wife, is such a good friend of mine. I see how strong she's been. They have two kids and it's very emotional when one parent is dying. Basically dying. Until the surgery is a success, he's dying of cancer. Shocking. It's really hard to hear it. So when Maria was talking about having a husband who's dying of cancer, I was like mad at her for saying that. Because it sounds so terrible. But I guess since we don't know the outcome - that's the truth. And she's saying this out loud because she's trying to deal with it. I guess. I don't know. I try to put myself in her place, because I am in her place in a way. I mean, I have a husband, and a son - and my life could go that way too. Worse case scenerio - we keep saying that - but THIS IS WORSE CASE for their family. Ack....I'm babbling - but please wish us well, pray if you do...surgery is tomorrow at 9 a.m. There's no going back. I wish I could see the future, or at least comfort the present. Yeah right..